A Big Update, With Pictures

It's been a couple of days since I've updated, I'm sure you're all dieing to hear how the bike race went. Remember, it was a 40km trail ride, rain or shine. Well, unfortunately it rained...and rained and rained. I refused to get discouraged though and Saturday evening we added some gadgets to Pedals and I packed up her saddle bags and my rain gear and refused to let the weather get me down.





Sunday morning we arrived bright and early, I was excited and ready to go. The race started sharp at 10am and it went great. For approximately 3km. And then I took a wrong turn and ended up riding 3km out of my way, turning around and riding back. No problem. I was a little upset about my stupidity but all was well, I was back on track...and the blabber mouth stranger-lady who had been right behind me wafting enough perfume to fell a horse, well she was gone and I was alone. Excellent! (That's me in the white behind the dude in the yellow)

It started to rain a bit harder and I realized I was probably the dead last person due to my mis-turn. Coming up to approximately kilometer 8 I was coming over a wooden bridge which turned down the the right and into a bit of soft gravel. I figured I was going a bit too fast and didn't want to hit the soft gravel so I attempted to slow down...and that's where the whole day went for a shit. I locked up the front tire, the bike bucked me off, I hit the side of the bridge with my shoulder, bounced off, landed on my left hand and left knee and slid about 10 feet. Thank GOD for the raingear I was wearing, it saved me leaving my skin behind on the bridge. I was covered in grit and green slime, my shoulder was flaming and my hands were throbbing. I was fortunate that a very nice stranger happened upon me and helped me to put the chain back on my bike and send me on my way. I rode to approximately kilometer 25 and had no choice but to stop and take my rain gear off. The tension on the rainpants against my rapidly swelling knee became too painful to ignore.


Ultimately I ended up finishing the 40km in 2 and a half hours and had I not gotten lost and then had an accident, I should have finished in well under 2 hours.












That night my knee went ballistic and continued to swell and my shoulder seized up. Today I went to my chiropractor

who relocated my partially dislocated shoulder and did a couple things to my knee which have drastically reduced the swelling. I'll be back in fighting form in no time!



















In happier news, we managed to limp through the flower store this afternoon and I got my bedding plants for our gardens. So pretty...much prettier than the big bruise flower I'm growing on my knee!





Bike racing isn't for me, I'll stick with jogging, seems safer!

Two More Days!

Happy Friday! It's only two more days until my big bicycle event. I will be riding 40km (25 miles) with my girl Pedals (I really need a better picture of the two of us) but unfortunately Mother Nature is being kind of a cow and it's supposed to rain on Sunday. :( I have rain gear and waterproof foot covers, helmet cover etc. But I am super excited about doing this ride and my enthusiasm is taking a bit of a shit kicking right now because of the weather forecast. Ah, well....not much I can do about it. I guess it'll put my new rain gear to good use.

I am having a bit of a mental debate about this ride too. It's 40km all in one go and the fat girl in my head is throwing a parade and making the list of all the things that she wants to eat because we're going FORTY KILOMETERS! The fit girl who would like to still drop a couple of pounds and doesn't want to feel like a bag of shit at the end of this does not agree and would like to eat a little more but not go off the rails. It's a bit of a battle right now. It'll be interesting to see who wins this battle...because right now, I couldn't tell you what's going to happen.

My original plan had been to put up tweets and FB along the way but in the face of rain, my iPhone will likely stay tucked away, dry and warm. Ray is going to be taking some pictures and I'll take some when I am finished which will all get posted here after the event, but beyond that, I think no updates. Besides, I doubt very much that this is interesting to anyone other than myself.

In other news, I told Ray about my Half Marathon plan and figured I would get a lukewarm reaction at best but he was very supportive and was helping me make some plans to get my back fixed and get some orthotics for my feet so I'm more comfortable and less injured. I was really impressed by his reaction, actually. As soon as my back doesn't seize up every time I jog, I'm going to adopt the first four weeks of the half marathon training and see how that goes. The training giude I'll be using is Hal Higdon Half Marathon for Novices and the first four weeks are pretty much what I do/can do now, I just don't run that many times a week...the distances are fine, I need to get used to the frequency again.

Anyway, that's all for me at the moment. We're going out for pub dinner with Ray's daughter and fiance tonight...I believe I will be having a Thai chicken wrap with salad. Not too off the rails, right?!

A Letter

I wrote a Dear Body letter a little over three years ago, back when I first started down a healthier pathway. I thought that maybe it's time to revisit that. I would also love if you would write yourself a Dear Body letter...and if you want, send me the link to it. It's an amazing way of connecting with yourself physically and emotionally at different stages of your life. Even if you don't send the link or post the letter, I think it's well worth doing anyway. Just a suggestion.

Dear Body,

Hi! Holy smokes, it's been a long time since I've written to you. So many things have changed and yet so many of them are still the same. You and Mind are much better friends now and that seems to have really settled you down. You've been at a proper weight now for three years and I'm so proud of you (and us!).

You really have astounded me lately with your ability to keep pushing even when you're exhausted and worn down. You seem to have these secret little reserves of super-energy that you can pull out when required. If Mind is quiet enough to let us get on with the task at hand, you really do rock it. These last six months haven't been easy on any of us, what with your heart getting sick and then being a bit difficult to deal with at times, with the immense amount of work that you've had to do to help me take care of Ray and our home and our life. I'm grateful that you didn't decide to tell me to pound it and just cop out and leave me stranded.

Sometimes, Body, when I think about you, I still occassionally picture you when you were unhealthy and overweight. I sometimes get lost in the mental chatter and then I look in the mirror and see what a remarkable change we've made and I'm overwhelmed. We're in the process of making another transformation of sorts and you're really taking to it well. Your upper half is developing nicely with the new weights routine and your legs are becoming crazy strong and solid with muscle from all the running and cycling. Sometimes I get annoyed that your legs are not slender and that the pantlegs of jeans always fit a bit tight. But your legs are not fat or flabby, they are hard and powerful and that is great! It also makes me eternally happy when Ray comments on how fantastic your rear looks because we have worked hella hard on it! I'm trying really hard to help you with your posture and it's coming along, it's just a bit of a slow go, we've had shitty posture for 32 years! Try to remember, when I'm sitting you up straight or sucking your tummy in, that we look nicer and stronger and fitter when we have proper posture. Beaten down and squashed is not a good look for you.

I think I've finally figured you out, Body, as far as food goes and I promise to keep working to finesse the input so that your output in exercise and overall wellness is optimal. I know you hate starchy carbs and sugar hurts your tummy and your skin is allergic to dairy. As you can see, Body, that makes it kind of difficult to feed you and it is also much more time consuming to shop for you and prepare your meals. I know that as soon as I feed you properly, you respond amazingly as far as dropping extra bloat/pounds and generally feeling better. But sometimes, Body, a girl just needs to eat a Lindt bunny or a fluffy white bread sandwich and I would really appreciate if you didn't pitch a fit everytime.

I've made some plans for us over the next year, more committment to yoga and Pedals, we're going to get your back taken care of and continue to strengthen all your muscles. And then? We're going to run a half marathon. I know you're up for the challenge, it's a ways away and we're going to train smart and hard.

You and me, Body, we're together forever and we are young and vital and we're going to live that way. Rock on, Gorgeous!

I'm Sorry, I'm going HOW FAR??

Last night when I got home, Ray made dinner (HURRAY!!!) and then we went for a drive. I have the route map for my bicycle ride for Sunday and we thought it would be nice for me to have an approximate sense of where I'll be going.

The ride is 40 kilometers which I've been saying all along should be no problem at all. But Holy CRAP, that is FAR! By about a third of the way through the map I started to have a bit of a panic attack...which escalated the further that we drove and turned into a crazy amount of self doubt that climbed onto the panic turned into a whole ball of mess. Well...not really....well...ya, sort of! 40km is frigging FAR! It would be the equivilant of riding my bike to and from work three times!

I'm relying on the fact that they say it's an average of a 2 hour ride...and averages are figured out based on people of all ages and fitness levels completing the course...which means that since I'm reasonably fit, it shouldn't take me tooooo long to do it.

My biggest worry about the whole thing isn't really the distance, it's fuel. I am the sort who, when active, burns through calories really fast and I'm not really interested in bonking on the side of the DeBoeville dyke in the middle of frigging nowhere. So on the way home from our scenic drive yesterday we stopped at Planet Organic and picked up two Luna bars. I will also peel and pack an orange, a banana, a couple extra insulated bottles of water and a G2 drink. Total calories that I'm taking with me are about 300 and I expect to burn abput 750 during the ride. There will also be tonnes of food there before and after so I think it should be fine. I really hope it'll be fine. It'll totally be fine. Right? eep.

Something else that I've decided today...well....something I've been thinking about for quite awhile now but just finally meshed in my head. I'm going to train for and complete a Half Marathon. I found one in Seattle that is in July. While I will not be attending this year's event, I thought that next year I will do that. It's a Ladies Only, Chocolate and Champagne Half Marathon put on my See Jane Run. Since you only really TRAIN for the event 12-14 weeks prior, I thought that for the next year I would keep that Half Mary in the back of my head during my workouts etc...and do some stuff now that will help make sure I don't become injured during the actual run training. That means improving my posture, strengthening the muscles around my knees and in my back, training the shin splints away etc. Then, next April I should be set to start the actual Half training.

I'm kind of excited. I know it's a loooong way away, over a year, and anything can happen and plans can change...but I've been thinking about doing a half marathon for awhile now and when I saw the Chocolate and Champagne one in Seattle, I figured that it was a sign that this was my event...booze and chocolate, how can that NOT be a sign?

Tonight after work I'm doing my interval training on the stationary bike...I usually do about 45 minutes of interval hill training, it's a hard workout but I'm up for it. I was supposed to go this morning but when the alarm went off at 4am, I just couldn't do it. My pillow was so soft, I could hear the rain on the back deck and Ray was breathing gently onto my cheek which felt so innocent and snuggly, I just couldn't get up. So, since we have no plans tonight, I moved gym-morning to gym-after-work. What is the goal? Fit, Health, Weigh loss. Does this still serve my goal? Yes. And even more so because getting out from under my blankets and away from my sweetheart this morning would have bred resentment and anger....not healthy...not in keeping with the goals.

PS. I don't think I mentioned it here. My mom and I did the 5k in Port Moody on Mother's Day. I ran it in 33:49 (PERSONAL BEST!!!!) and came in 182/233 people...6th out of 12 in my age category. My mom did 38:28 and came in 200/233...last in her age category, but holy crap, she smoked it!

Shhhh....listen......

I have debated whether or not to keep writing on this blog because it seems that all I keep writing about is how I'm struggling and trying to find my new path after a health crisis and how nothing that I used to do really works anymore. And then I remembered two things. First, this is MY blog and if it helps me to write it out then that's reason enough to stay. And second, maybe someone else is struggling and feels like they are the only one who doesn't have this shit all figured out. If they stop in here maybe they won't feel alone. So on I go.

Last night I was laying in bed at 8pm so that I could go to the gym early this morning and all that was in my head was noise. It was annoying but in order to shut it up, I figured I should probably try to hear what the noise was actually saying. Sounds corny, right? Whatever, my blog, remember? ;)

So I started listening....and quietly, out of the cacophony, I kept hearing the same phrase over and over and over. What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? I wondered gently, if I kept listening, would I hear the answer to that question? So I layed there. What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? Fit. What is the goal? What is the goal? Health. What is the goal? What is the goal? Weight loss. What is the goal?

And on and on, the question kept repeating and the three answers, Fit, Health, Weight Loss kept coming up. The definite winner was Fit, followed closely by Health and then Weight Loss. I know this might sound strange, but it's pretty much exactly how it happened, it was definitely weird.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that my head is not the only one with an absolute riot of noise all the time. It's loud under my hair and sometimes it's terribly difficult to make sense of the noise. It is also distracting and a person can get focussed on the wrong phrases. The negative self talk is louder and more obnoxious than anything else and as we all know, the louder you are, the more attention people pay to you whether good or bad. Thinking constantly about the wrong things or the right things in the wrong context actually creates stress...which creates cortisol, which stops weight loss and increases belly fat and exhaustion and emotional fragility. Stress is insidious and those voices, if they aren't serving you properly, are damaging!

Maybe I was unknowingly meditating last night. Maybe, because I wasn't quite tired enough to sleep, I was quiet and still enough to hear that tiny voice that is always there but rarely heard.

It's such a simple question. What is the goal?

I had a May month long workout plan all written up, similar to AFC but I've decided to revise May to a different sort of plan. I will stick with my AFC routine (minus the Tuesday yoga) for the month of May because I still have to exercise and I have all sorts of fun activities coming up. But here's the new part. When it gets too loud or too negative, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop the chatter and replace that with "What's the goal?". And then I will answer the question however it fits right then, and act accordingly. When it is damn near impossible feeling to get out of bed at 4am, I will ask the question, "What's the goal?" and then conduct myself accordingly. When I feel like I should eat leftover Lindt bunnies, I will ask myself, What is the goal? and then proceed properly. This should actually help me to not burn out also...since one of the basic answers is "Health", and health is served by exercise but also by proper nutrition and REST.

This post has gotten long but there's just one more thing I wanted to touch on. In the same concept of listening to the content of the mental noise to find that tiny voice, there is definitely some value in listening to your body regarding nutrition. All the fitness magazines and websites and blogs that I read all recommend certain things...like protein after a workout or steel cut oats in the morning. I try to follow the recommendations of the experts in order to maximize my workouts and my nutrition to get the best possible results. But I've been feeling lately like I'm trying to cram a square peg into a round hole. I feel like some of the things that I'm doing, while 'recommended', don't actually work with MY body and my circumstances. I don't really believe that I need that much protein. And steel cut oats? Well, some days I feel like I need them for second breakfast and other days I really don't! It's all relative to how hard I worked out or what time of the month it is or just how the wind happens to be blowing. Our bodies are smart and they know exactly what they need and what they want. We just have to be quiet enough and still enough and trusting enough to listen to them. Especially for me right now, trying to find what works for me with the medication I'm taking for my heart condition, it is even more important to shush up and listen to what my body is telling me, it's the only way I'm going to figure this out.

The answers are all already there....I just have to find them amongst the noise.

Take Control

In a world where people make decisions that affect you without your input (work, government, spouses etc) it can be difficult to feel as though we have control over our own lives and our own destiny.

Oftentimes when you are 'taking control' by refusing to exercise or eating whatever you want and you are letting your inner voice tell you that what you are doing is alright because you are in charge of you...well....I think that's actually a symptom of a lack of control. A symptom of feelings of helplessness and fear.

I know that this week I've been an excuse-maker. Yes, on Tuesday and Wednesday I was sick so I baled and then I really didn't see much point in packing all of my gym stuff up to go just on Thursday morning so I called that day off also. That is not control. That is allowing your life and events to control you and allowing other things to determine your results and success.

I really think that given enough time, a person can become paralyzed with fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear that it's never going to be enough. That fear can stop you in your tracks or even prevent you from starting.

April Fitness Challenge didn't exactly go the way that I wanted and May has not exactly started out with a bang. Some weeks and some days in AFC were fantastic! I saw results in definition and texture and shape. However, I did not see any pounds lost or size decrease like I had hoped. Because of that, I became fearful that no matter what I do, it's not going to be good enough and that fear caused a fiery crash near the end. (I also slightly burned out because I didn't take the rest of my crazy life into consideration but that's a different post).

My effort to take control following the crash was really a lack of control. I didn't really change anything in order to have better success, I moreso just refused to do much of anything. I still spinned and I still rode Pedals and I still jogged a couple 5ks but as far as working hard consistently? Nope....that fear of not succeeding planted a seed in my head that I would show control of my ultimate destiny.....by not really trying that hard....so that when it didn't work (you see, I've already declared that it's not going to work), I wouldn't be the failure, it would have failed because I could have done better.

It's so strange because I have obviously put in a lot of work and effort over the years to get where I am.....and while where I am is acceptable, it's not where I want to be, not really. And yet? I'm not really putting in a tonne of work to get there. I'm not really making every effort. I definitely have the illusion of effort and, don't get me wrong, when I'm working out at the gym or on Pedals, I'm killing it as hard as I can. But there are aspects, mostly food and booze, where I am holding myself back from making the changes I need to make in order to get where I want to be. That's not control, that's fear of success. And it's weird, I don't get it. I do not get why, when I want something more so badly that the lack of success in getting there makes me feel icky inside, why don't I do what I know needs to be done to get there? Why put in ALL THAT WORK going to the gym and spinning and riding and jogging and then not follow through with the food and booze?

Uhhh...

I have killer cramps, work is ridiculous this morning and I didn't go to the gym.

That is all.

Back tomorrow.

Oh Tuesday, You Got Me Again!

Morning,

Much like last Tuesday, at 4am this morning when my alarm went off, I chose to reset it to 6am and go back to sleep. I refuse to feel guilty about this. Best laid plans are just that, plans, and the plan I made a month ago for May didn't work for this morning. It's an unfortunate time of the month and I feel like crap and getting up at 4am wasn't in the cards. No worries, no guilt.


I jogged 5km yesterday after work, 34:13. It was one of those days when I felt like I could have gone forever. One of those rare days when it didn't feel like work, it didn't hurt and I wasn't begging for it to be over. The unfortunate part is that I had to leave after 5km because we had to go and vote.


On Sunday I am hoping that the weather is going to be lovely (or at least not raining) because there is a Mother's Day 5km jog in Port Moody that my mom and I are going to do, but only if it's not raining. I'm all stoked up for it and I don't want it to get rained out, 5km through Port Moody Inlet will be lovely on a sunny morning. It doesn't look that promising right now but it's still a long way off, fingers crossed!


That's really all I have today. I think that when I get home from work we're going to be doing some yardwork, ripping out a couple of trees with the truck/winch, which I will cut up at a later date. Dinner is going to be Maple BBQ Salmon Kabobs with grilled asparagus and jasmine rice. Canucks play at 6pm and there is still some wine left in the bottle so it should be a nice evening!

AFC Ends With A Bang!

Morning!


I'm not sure if it was my decision to be jolly this weekend or the beautiful sunshine that we had from Friday afternoon to Sunday night but jolly I was and it was delicious! Mayhap, I shall be jolly this week also, in spite of today's drizzle?


Because, with all good blogs/diaries, this little slice of internet is first for me, I am going to do my weekend recap again because I like to look back later and see what I was doing....so if you're bored by the antics in my world as they do not relate to weight loss or fitness, see you tomorrow! ;)


Friday night I decided to skip dinner with my mother in law and do something much more enjoyable! I trimmed the edges and then gave the front and back lawns a mow...first time since last September! I donned my gumboots, safety glasses and iPod shuffle and mowed my little heart out, it was absolutely fantastic! Now, if you think I'm nuts for my love of lawn mowing, maybe I am (and the other women in our neighborhood have told me that I make them look bad because I do and they don't...whatever!), but there have been many a year that I wished I had a lawn to mow or flowers to trim and I didn't. Now, I am beyond grateful that I do and I can and I embrace it every chance I get! This year I'm even going to buy a sprinkler and water the front lawn and fertilize it so I can have lush, green grass to mow instead of brown dust by the middle of the summer! Last year Ray wouldn't let me because he HATES mowing and if I fell off the mowing wagon he didn't want to have to do it. I guess this year he knows I won't stop doing it.






Saturday morning was the official end of AFC and it went out on a high note. 8:30am spinning class with a great instructor and then I did my hour of upper body weights, finished up with some 25lb weighted squats, some good stretching and a steam. We went out for our standard lovely Saturday lunch and then came home and got busy. I set Ray up with the pressure washer and a stool upstairs so he could clean the deck whilst remaining seated (worked great!) and I proceeded to work in the backyard. For three hours I ripped and chopped and pulled and bagged and raked. And the dent I made, while definitely noticeable via 'yard waste' was barely noticeable in the yard. Oy, the work that I will get to do this week!


On Friday night in our travels we happened upon some lovely patio furniture for a ridiculously good deal so on Saturday after we cleaned up our cleaning up, Ray assembled furniture. I took a truckload of cardboard recycling to the dump and then went and bought a bunch of bricks and brought them home. Fortunately (?) for me, Ray's injury means that I get to do all the heavy lifting and I am going to be BUFF! LOL. I carried all the bricks from the front of the house to the back, realized that they were all too large and then carried them back to the front, split them all with a sledge and then carried them aaaaallll the way back to the back and up the patio stairs.




The patio furniture is lovely with our giant offset umbrella we bought last month and we now have turned unused deck into lovely cafe-style retreat! Decorative outdoor pillows, an outdoor area rug and possibly a fire pit are to come along with some shade loving flowers to brighten it up. It's lovely now, it's gonna be gorgeous when we're done!

After all the hard work on Saturday, I thought to sleep in on Sunday however the sun was blazing and Ray thought that 8am would be a wonderful time for me to get up and take my girl Pedals out for a ride. I didn't really appreciate it in the moment but it was a wonderful idea and it was gorgeous out. I realized while I was out, that my ride coming up in two weeks might be more of a challenge that I had thought. Spinning in a studio, as hard as that is, is nothing like riding a proper bicycle outside and up hills. NOTHING! I plan to take her out a couple more times before May 15th, just to get some road time in. My saving grace is that while our home is in the hills of Coquitlam, the ride in May is actually mostly in the flats. Thank heaven!

Anyway, I've rambled on for quite long enough now, I think. The rest of Sunday was a write off for anything productive as we were out riding motorcycles and sitting on the new patio drinking beer. Jolly is as jolly does!

Happy May, let's make it A-MAY-ZING!