Shhhh....listen......

I have debated whether or not to keep writing on this blog because it seems that all I keep writing about is how I'm struggling and trying to find my new path after a health crisis and how nothing that I used to do really works anymore. And then I remembered two things. First, this is MY blog and if it helps me to write it out then that's reason enough to stay. And second, maybe someone else is struggling and feels like they are the only one who doesn't have this shit all figured out. If they stop in here maybe they won't feel alone. So on I go.

Last night I was laying in bed at 8pm so that I could go to the gym early this morning and all that was in my head was noise. It was annoying but in order to shut it up, I figured I should probably try to hear what the noise was actually saying. Sounds corny, right? Whatever, my blog, remember? ;)

So I started listening....and quietly, out of the cacophony, I kept hearing the same phrase over and over and over. What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? I wondered gently, if I kept listening, would I hear the answer to that question? So I layed there. What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? Fit. What is the goal? What is the goal? Health. What is the goal? What is the goal? Weight loss. What is the goal?

And on and on, the question kept repeating and the three answers, Fit, Health, Weight Loss kept coming up. The definite winner was Fit, followed closely by Health and then Weight Loss. I know this might sound strange, but it's pretty much exactly how it happened, it was definitely weird.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that my head is not the only one with an absolute riot of noise all the time. It's loud under my hair and sometimes it's terribly difficult to make sense of the noise. It is also distracting and a person can get focussed on the wrong phrases. The negative self talk is louder and more obnoxious than anything else and as we all know, the louder you are, the more attention people pay to you whether good or bad. Thinking constantly about the wrong things or the right things in the wrong context actually creates stress...which creates cortisol, which stops weight loss and increases belly fat and exhaustion and emotional fragility. Stress is insidious and those voices, if they aren't serving you properly, are damaging!

Maybe I was unknowingly meditating last night. Maybe, because I wasn't quite tired enough to sleep, I was quiet and still enough to hear that tiny voice that is always there but rarely heard.

It's such a simple question. What is the goal?

I had a May month long workout plan all written up, similar to AFC but I've decided to revise May to a different sort of plan. I will stick with my AFC routine (minus the Tuesday yoga) for the month of May because I still have to exercise and I have all sorts of fun activities coming up. But here's the new part. When it gets too loud or too negative, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop the chatter and replace that with "What's the goal?". And then I will answer the question however it fits right then, and act accordingly. When it is damn near impossible feeling to get out of bed at 4am, I will ask the question, "What's the goal?" and then conduct myself accordingly. When I feel like I should eat leftover Lindt bunnies, I will ask myself, What is the goal? and then proceed properly. This should actually help me to not burn out also...since one of the basic answers is "Health", and health is served by exercise but also by proper nutrition and REST.

This post has gotten long but there's just one more thing I wanted to touch on. In the same concept of listening to the content of the mental noise to find that tiny voice, there is definitely some value in listening to your body regarding nutrition. All the fitness magazines and websites and blogs that I read all recommend certain things...like protein after a workout or steel cut oats in the morning. I try to follow the recommendations of the experts in order to maximize my workouts and my nutrition to get the best possible results. But I've been feeling lately like I'm trying to cram a square peg into a round hole. I feel like some of the things that I'm doing, while 'recommended', don't actually work with MY body and my circumstances. I don't really believe that I need that much protein. And steel cut oats? Well, some days I feel like I need them for second breakfast and other days I really don't! It's all relative to how hard I worked out or what time of the month it is or just how the wind happens to be blowing. Our bodies are smart and they know exactly what they need and what they want. We just have to be quiet enough and still enough and trusting enough to listen to them. Especially for me right now, trying to find what works for me with the medication I'm taking for my heart condition, it is even more important to shush up and listen to what my body is telling me, it's the only way I'm going to figure this out.

The answers are all already there....I just have to find them amongst the noise.