Take Control

In a world where people make decisions that affect you without your input (work, government, spouses etc) it can be difficult to feel as though we have control over our own lives and our own destiny.

Oftentimes when you are 'taking control' by refusing to exercise or eating whatever you want and you are letting your inner voice tell you that what you are doing is alright because you are in charge of you...well....I think that's actually a symptom of a lack of control. A symptom of feelings of helplessness and fear.

I know that this week I've been an excuse-maker. Yes, on Tuesday and Wednesday I was sick so I baled and then I really didn't see much point in packing all of my gym stuff up to go just on Thursday morning so I called that day off also. That is not control. That is allowing your life and events to control you and allowing other things to determine your results and success.

I really think that given enough time, a person can become paralyzed with fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear that it's never going to be enough. That fear can stop you in your tracks or even prevent you from starting.

April Fitness Challenge didn't exactly go the way that I wanted and May has not exactly started out with a bang. Some weeks and some days in AFC were fantastic! I saw results in definition and texture and shape. However, I did not see any pounds lost or size decrease like I had hoped. Because of that, I became fearful that no matter what I do, it's not going to be good enough and that fear caused a fiery crash near the end. (I also slightly burned out because I didn't take the rest of my crazy life into consideration but that's a different post).

My effort to take control following the crash was really a lack of control. I didn't really change anything in order to have better success, I moreso just refused to do much of anything. I still spinned and I still rode Pedals and I still jogged a couple 5ks but as far as working hard consistently? Nope....that fear of not succeeding planted a seed in my head that I would show control of my ultimate destiny.....by not really trying that hard....so that when it didn't work (you see, I've already declared that it's not going to work), I wouldn't be the failure, it would have failed because I could have done better.

It's so strange because I have obviously put in a lot of work and effort over the years to get where I am.....and while where I am is acceptable, it's not where I want to be, not really. And yet? I'm not really putting in a tonne of work to get there. I'm not really making every effort. I definitely have the illusion of effort and, don't get me wrong, when I'm working out at the gym or on Pedals, I'm killing it as hard as I can. But there are aspects, mostly food and booze, where I am holding myself back from making the changes I need to make in order to get where I want to be. That's not control, that's fear of success. And it's weird, I don't get it. I do not get why, when I want something more so badly that the lack of success in getting there makes me feel icky inside, why don't I do what I know needs to be done to get there? Why put in ALL THAT WORK going to the gym and spinning and riding and jogging and then not follow through with the food and booze?